The questions

Not ''How to stop suffering?'' but ''Why am I suffering?''

What are you willing to suffer for? How much? 

It depends on how you define suffering. We can define Life as suffering, but we don't have to leave it open to pointless suffering. And it's not an inevitably negative world view to say that we are Suffering. If it has a purpose, a long term good attached to it, it is not pointless and therefore not suffering in the sense of misery and therefore not negative. We are the interprets of what is happening. 

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So I hope I haven't forgotten my english. I'm thinking more about the present than past or future these days. Probably because of my belly getting bigger every half a minute. But what lead me here to this perfect moment sitting on the bed with dim light, the lamp belonging to my previous boyfriend and co-traveller and not having anything bad or good to say about the times been or coming? A sentence that consists of contradictions in itself. There is no future or past, there is only now. Ram Dass. Everything seems to contradict itself. Have to go back to basics - to the place I haven't visited for long.


I haven't been writing for a while.

So it's 2017, I'm in Tallinn. i have a new boyfriend and I am working part-time in a vegan cafe as a chef. I live in 1-roomed apartment in Mustamäe and I bought a new MacBook Pro.(Visually my life looks like the film ''Victoria'' I use a borrowed camera and I rent lenses for it. I just got paid for some of my photos 350€. I dream a lot at night, recently I've seen a lot of sick stuff. Blood and regrets and misfortune. It is likely that I might become a mother soon too. The mother of dragons. Finishing the sixth season of Game of Thones this week. It's an addiction like any other. I haven't been reading for days, almost weeks due to that. I don't enjoy coffee any more. I miss intensity, but I'm grateful for safety also - probably thanks to the biological fact that I'm a woman. I get a lot of compliments because of my personality and looks. I don't feel old. I might have an issue with that though, probably creeping out soon. I'd like to become a buddhist. Nothing keeps me from that. My favourite character from GoT is the many faced god. But in general I like films more than shows. I am a really emotional person. Let's see what my life is gonna bring. Ciao for now.

Working in Mildreds

4th of March 2016

I've been working in Mildreds Restaurant in Soho the last month. It's a busy place in and out, i can't even count how many people work here. The kitchen crew is from around the world: Egypt, Romania, Brazil, Russia, Italy, Senegal, Poland, Equatorial Guinea. I have always loved the sound of foreign languages and accents.

Our day starts at 7.45 am with preparation work for the day. It is 4 hours non-stop cutting, chopping, packing, bringing, washing, blanching, boiling, frying, carrying, searching, asking, answering and laughing.

From 12-4 pm is service for the day shift, then from 4-11 pm for the night shift. I have mostly been in the ''set up section'' which is considered the hardest place in this kitchen. Every new chef starts from there.  In first four hours I set up my corner and the sous chef´s mise en place. It's not an easy job, you have to remember a lot, make lists and carry stuff back and forth. Heavy stuff. No one ever said that it is supposed to be easy to start working in a kitchen in the heart of busy London, so I've got nothing to complain about x)

Service time in the set up section is pure concentration. At least for a beginner like me. For people that have been there many years it probably seems quite amusing to see how new people cope with their assignments and how they take the heat. A few chefs have worked there around 10 years, I can't even begin to imagine how much fun they are having teaching the new staff all the time :D Maybe it's a bit sad for them also to see people coming and going but what can you do. Eternal cycle of life.

This kitchen really feels like an organism for me. The struggle and the heat is of a real beast. The centre-frier-lift-check-operator of the kitchen is usually Naz or Marcelo, they keep the wheel going. Victor and Mohamed do the rest. And basically no women there. (Renata left soon after me.)


A book I'm reading in December

The Discerning Heart: The Developmental Psychology of Robert Keagan, by Philip M. Lewis

This book is undoubtedly on a compelling topic - our personality and perception of the world. Who wouldn'd want to get a better grasp on it?

The book argues that we can become more wiser in the course of our lives in the matter of how we perceive our experiences and relationships. To quote the book:

It will put your experience of living in the world in motion and, I hope, make you both more discerning and thereby more vulnerable to our very human struggle of making sense of our lives.

Keagan is a man who doesn't believe that we are so much affected by our uncontiousness, as many other psychologists dearly believe, nor is he inclined to ''blame'' our behavior on the environment. He has a third approach, his ideas are based on psychologist Jean Piaget's constructive developmental theory.

Let's see the theory closer now, dissect it a bit. ''Constructive'' means that we are not passive bystanders of our lives but that we actively construct different circumstances and information into a meaningful whole. And then we act and respond according to those inner constructions. We build our own subjective reality rather than respond to an objective one. That is why people respond so differently in even very similar situations. And what is really intriguing, is that we of course ''forget'' that our way of seeing is not the objective reality.

The constructive view reminds us that no one lives in the same reality, and if we want to communicate effectively with others, we need to keep this in mind.

It doedn't mean though that we should start thinking that people are different and that is it. Here comes into play the ''developmental'' part of the theory. Keagan and Piaget discovered that there is only a limited number of ways how to construct one's reality - although immensely complex ways, still limited. And they differ from one another by the way they organize our experiences. They also are successive to each other, meaning that every following stage builds upon the devellopmentally simpler and earlier one.

Keagan offers 6 stages of perspective to describe how people on different developmental points operate.

On stage 0 there is an infant who doesn't yet make the difference between outer and inner, who doesn't yet have a perspective of his own.

Every phase goes a little more complex. A toddler of age 3-4 is stage 1. She trusts her immediate sensory perception, so you can play her tricks that she will fall into every single time. A 7-8 year olds reaction is already more compound - stage 2, meaning that he can hold not only one perspective but two. If a simple trick (like pouring same amount of water into two different glasses and asking which one has more) is performed to him more than once, he gets it - he doesn't only think that what his eyes see is true but he is also able to reason about it. Nevertheless he can only hold one perspective at a time (but he can change between them).

And this is where the next level comes in with the ability of holding two percpectives simultaneously. That's where the theory really gets going.

Until the next time!

I lose it

In the everyday scribble-scrabble I lose my mind
I lose my mind
I lose the feeling of what is important
and what is not
But isn’t it important to make the difference between
or is it not?
That’s why I sit down and think
When I’ve done it enough then
''who thinks that what''
And then ''this is it''

Things I've learned recently

Always when someone asks what I'm up to these days one part of my answer is that I've been reading.

I'm reading to learn something and to alter my mind and to get better at being a human being. Obviously.

So what have I learned:

  • we are responsible for our emotions, no one else is. I remember myself crying over many things that my dad told me when I was younger and I used to always blame him for hurting me. It's not reasonable to put blame only on one side in a dialogue. Apparently if you don't know it then you do it. But it's feeding the ego's need for attention and from that a really stupid thing grows out - victimising yourself.
  • reading really specific books on different topics teach how to experience knowledge. Only after knowledge becomes an experience from being a theory it becomes yours and you can live it and share it. Because what use there is to knowledge if it stays only in the realm of theory?
  • one book I'm reading now is Jed McKenna's Theory of Everything. I can feel physicly how my perspective is been streched wider from the sides and even from the middle between the cells. It's painful even, painful as hell to try to accept is as true what he's saying, would be really easy to just throw it away as bullshit and not bother. It's a mind-twisting book. I've been on 75% for a week now.
  • Lynda Barry's What It Is has taught me that sitting around and waiting for a good idea or even sitting behind your paper and trying to make yourself produce a perfect picture or idea of a text is a pretty pointless form of selftorture. Put your pen moving and follow it. And relax. Because stress makes you stressed and then what comes out is stressed art.
  • Mel Robbins's Tedx talk taught me that we are never gonna feel like stepping out and doing what we need to do. Same as waking up in the morning.
  • from Steven Pressfield's Turning Pro I have gotten a mindset that inspiration comes only when you sit your ass down and start working. (Similar to what Lynda Barry and Mel Robbins say).
  • there are times to gather and there are times to work and when you work then you don't wait for any further inspiration, then you use what you have piled up and see where it brings you. They are like two different mindsets and being in one of them you shouldn't question the other.
  • from Markus I've learned recently that people can change if they sit their asses down and get to it.

Thats that for today. I better get my ass back to my Kindle.

My first post

So now it's official - I feel like I came out of the closet or something. I've always held my thoughts tightly to my own brain and let only my rational and irrational part of it to have a dialogue over all the things that I perceive and accumulate about/in the world.

I've decided to write a blog about my artistic approaches & struggles and all my struggles as a human being as well.

In case some of you may wonder why am I writing this in English and not in my own mother tongue (Estonian) then here are the answers - * I'm living together with a person who considers his first language English; * I'm reading all the books and webpages in English (because most books that I need to read are not translated into smaller languages); * It's nice to have two languages that you can be fluent in; * And finally - your audience is way bigger than only the population of your birth country and that might be useful someday when you have something really important to say or show :)

I'm having a really sunny day here in eastern Finland today. Sunny in my head too.